funny thing

dont look at you the same way as i use too.
feel like im talkin to a stranger when we conversate.
nothings right ever since the last time we spoke
leaving questions unanswered an emotions unspoken
my heart still bleeds the very same way from when you walked out of my life that night
my mind isnt on the same path because now, what i was so sure of, turned my beaten path to a road of rocks and turmoil.
we knew that it was wrong
but continued to persue what we thought we could've had.
an might i add that night i saw a different side to you
you saw a different side to yourself you didnt know you had in you.
from past relationships you tried to burry that part of you life vowing to never let anyone get as close as she once did.
keeping your secrets locked in the bottom of your heart.
your actions are completly different from your thoughts and emotions.
a wise man once said we love with our minds not our emotions.
trynin not to let our emotions be our final judgement call on our lives.
since we last spoke my heart didnt know whether it should beat, stop flutter or break.
as we once tried to speak of this anguish this heartache it lead to us to believe we lost something we intially tried not to harm.
our friendship
we stepped out of reality an stepped out of what we are comfortable in
we travelled to a world unknown an even though its hard to admitt we both appricated each other for taking the journey and holding hands.
we we're still wet behind the ears an instead of persuing what we now know was real, we let it die out like a candle light.
damn how i wish things were the same.

i wrote it for this situation i saw my roomie in. this is about a shorty an this guy shes diggin. it jus happened to be her friends ex. she saw how shorty did him wrong, an knew what he was gettin into, but kept to herself cuz she didnt wanna get involved. but um yeah they started fuckin with each other on that level an that 'night' they closed the deal by you know whatever. but yeah instead of moving on with it, they decided to dead it. sucks that they are jus friends cuz we can all see that they need to be together.

its been a long time.

havent really been using my blog for some reason. i guess when shorty got at me for showing my older bro some love, i stopped using it. but fuck it right, cant let one person stop you from living. so i really started this blog for my writing purposes. so with out further interruptions heres one that i jus recently wrote. yall might not get it but, its still good.

-when first mention your name brings up painful memories from the past that are supposed to be burried from the bottom of hearts.
sometimes brought on by negative conotation, no one has anything good to say.
while we shamelessly utter your name with no respect for what the future may hold.
even if it falls on def ears nothing seems to be the same.
while flirting with the thought of being able to spend a lifetime built off your name is something that hinders people like me to get close to a person like you.
your name isnt what brings me home every night.
your title doesnt effect the way he holds me tight
the bullshit he says is configured with your name at the end, hoping a wishing that things will be the same, but never again shall i look at you the same.


.so that one was dedicated to love. break it down, everytime someone ask if you've been in love all the positive an negative shit resurfaces, even tho you've tried to burry it. an to make it worse, if you've been cheated on, your spouse usually says i love you or whatever tries to cover up.

my favorite place in central park

lol sorry guys heres my favorite spot

busyy bumble bee *me*

soo my day started in woodbury commons an well ended at 4am. when i waltzed my ass in the house. i bounced to my job (lacoste) to cop my check. tried to deposit the shit an then bank was straight trippin on me. so im like whatever imma jus take it to manhattan where my moms works (this bitch is the shittt she does EVERYTHING FOR ME) i mean EVERYTHING. speedin tickets, tickets, phone bill, court dates (stupid shit) bills, an my money this lady handles it all, school tution an loans an grants an my scholarship. makes sure i get my ass to meetings an shit for school make sure i got money in my pocket. shit i dont know what id do without her. but anyway we headed for my favorite spot after she left (she works for lawyers nosy people) right on 59th & 5th. we hit my favorite spot in central park bam! nice ass view at 6pm. sun was still out, shitt i had a ball. then i hit the R train to head out to soho...grabbed a slice of pizza an then hit the corner an bammm DoPE BoYY C himself. then i got my hsl gear. mom dukes aint undastand how i aint packed but i got my outfits planned for school.

(I GAVE UP MY CREDIT CARDDD PEOPLE) wtf, for yall who know me, i spend money like its not a thing. trust me!

a sweet apology

soo mr. weekend decided to apologize to me, for actin like a fuckin jerk. i gracefully accept but then again i hadd to be rude, he basically said im a mean cold hearted person an he tries to treat me nice, but im jus soo sarcastic that he cant deal with it anymore. i concured an said "well you dont care, so why should i give a fuck". neither wants a relationship so why should i sit there and front like im not catchin feelings? well blah blah blah. jeez, why me? i sware. maybe mr. weekend is right, maybe i am too mean, but shh bump that i have to be mean, if not people start to take advantage of you, think that a little sweet talk could make everything better. noooo wrong again. but i cant blame him for tryin. well actually i can. he was the one that decided to talk to me. soo now as usual im stick in neutral. mr. baby moma is still there, but i dont want to be apart of something that im not going to give my all. feel me? is that soo hard to get. if im not in it to win it, then shit i dont want to even sign myself up for the race. (if i dont plan on seeing it through to the finish line) why is it everytime a relationship goes wrong, either homosexual relationship or heterosexual(whichever you prefer) do we blame the entire fall out on someone else? we constantly factor in other people into our relationship. we start to depend on the advice of our friends an family, an start to listen to everyone else, rather than our own hearts, an the one that has to wake up to us every morning, or deal with our constant whining on how life/love/work whatever is to much to handle.

i will admitt that i am at least 55% the reason why mr. baby moma got himself into this situation, but we broke up before i moved into school my freshmen year. sept we tried to make it work but constantly fought, he didnt want to come visit me, an didnt want me comin to brooklyn to see him...hmmm if youre in a relationship shouldnt half the battle be on spending quality time with one another. seeing that it wasnt in his best interest to be with me, i fronted hard like i was talkin to someone else. jus to try an ease the pain. but it didnt work, it backfired. we got back together because mr. baby moma, an now baby moma got into a fight over me. once again my fault for takin him back sooo quick. i mean shit we really never talk about our problems. no one in relationships do anymore. speakin of which why the hell do people go to relationship conselours? that shit makes no sense to me. shit we need to be adults an sit down an talk about our problems. not just brush it under the carpet like we usually do. an to make it worse, mr. baby moma is a cancer, as well as i. we both have these crazy ass mood swings, an at times just want to be alone, thats what cancers do, we fight, stay home, laugh an well make up. just dont understand this relationship thing anymore.

when my peoples use to blame their ex's for not being able to love again i thought they were jus usin it as an excuse to just randomly sleep with people. but in actuality they have a point. everytime i try an met a new friend, (not boyfriend, not soul mate) if he cant come to my ex's standards then i dont want to deal with it. i guess me an mr. baby moma had so much goin for us, we stopped communicating an fell apart. where did we go wrong?

MY DREAMMSSS got me TRIPPIN

iight so im havin these crazy ass dreams about me an..well i cant really call him my ex, cuz we didnt break up, an hes not my boyfriend cuz i really dont think he deserves that title right now, but well call him mr. baby moma. iight so i got into a fight with mr. weekend [someone who i wsa feelin an usually spend the weekends with, but decided to try an play me] an my pops was like wtf why are you catchin feelings, this isnt like you. an im like whatever im jus fed up with guys, an girls, (im not bi sexual either) but my female friends are actin straight stupid.

but anyway on with my dream. when i get home im soo fuckin tired i usually jus end up crashin on my damn couch, never make it to my room. but i have insomnia an i barely sleep, so im workin on like 3 hours being interrupted an shit. but iight now im blabbling. well anyway with my dream. i get off the phone with mr. weekend an finally drift off to sleep..an in this dream everyone was at my grandparents mansion in new york (location is disclosed thanks to nosy people) an mr. baby moma was gettin married to his baby moma, an yes they was havin the weddin at my house. so while mr. baby moma an his well baby moma slept in one room i was in the one right across the hall. i sneaked out my room to see if he was sleepin an he was layin in the bed starrin at the sky, he must've saw me cuz he got up to 'go to the bathroom'. we snuck out the house an had the best time ever. we laughed like it was old times, told each other we loved the other more now then we ever did. then mr. baby moma did something he never did before. he actually apologized for gettin married an if he didnt have his son then we'd be married. but whatever. mr. baby moma made me cry an we started to think of all the shit we been through since we was together in '00. shitt thats the love of my life, but i think he was doin the right thing by being with his baby moma.

NOW i aint one to try an mess up a happy home, but he was jus there to 'do the right thing' sooo which leads me to this conclusion, does my dream mean that i should let mr. baby moma goo? if so how do you walk away from 4 solid years? an to make it worse should i jus wait for mr. honest? (who isnt real but i need someone who is gonna be honest with me) an move on? shittt i love mr. baby moma, an i really care about mr. weekend but right now, i think i need to do me. an keep it 100 with everyone, i jus realized that i lost myself when mr. baby moma had a son, i began to hold my tongue an watched my emotions an kept shit to myself. i never done that before. i never control my emotions (guess thats why they call me carl thomas) but yeah im back on my grind. shitttt

summer is FINALLY poppin!

well lets see.. my weekend was poppin out of control. lets start off with the best interview ever. so i got a chance to interview dope boy c. everyone loves him he's soo fly. but honestly one of the most down to earth people i ever met in my entire life. . (here he is) i sware this is the realest person i know, no matter how hot he gets, or how many celebs he's worked with, he's still the same nigga that he was when he was in highschool....himself...money hasn't changed him! well anyway on with the blog. the interview was great, i got to work on my skills, an im working on gettin my foot in the door with my teaching/writin thing. keep ya eyes open for me! the interview went well into the next morning 6am to be exact. but dope boy c was maddd cool an showed a first timer how to do it big. well on thurs i went to roxy. it WAS supposed to be spirit but spirit was actin crazy so they moved it. my outfit...well you'll have to wait to see that one, i was truly naked. came home took a shower an went right back to work no sleep. friday got home from work at 10 hit the showers an then right back out. (no full body shot, but you know it works the same) my outfit. mini skirt an a lacoste polo some flats an some acc. when you fly you dont need that much to stand out. well i invited some people from different crews an the night ended in tears an a phone call (i didnt do the cryin) but sho nuff niggaz was wil cuz they couldnt hold they liq. came home at 7. no sleep really. stayed up went to work an came home. realized ive been slackin on my blog, an well, here i am! lol.

my BAPY BUDDY/SIMBA

[my simba]...so he might kill me for this one [but i had to show him love]

..this is my simba, my bape buddy..the only person in the world that doesnt know how i feel about him. but thats not the point. everyone needs a friend like him. This is the type of guy you need for when you need someone to listen to your horrible days, the F you got in algebra class because all you did was cut class an sit in the cafe. the one you need to talk to on rainy days and the one you take to the movies to have a great time, an he wont expect anything in return. only a hug an a safe drive home. THIS is the person you turn to when you need advice, on well, basically anything. although i jus met him this year, i dont rememeber how, but im glad i did meet him. no matter my mood, he's always there to listen. so heres to my simba/clone/bapebuddy

*the nights i couldnt sleep, you talked to me til i drifted into my own world.
*for the nights that i needed someone to make me smile, you made me smile from my heart.
*for the nights that i bitched on how someone did me wrong, you listened. an made me know that they lost something great.
*for the days i skipped class an failed test, you where there to make me laugh, an made me go back to the library to study
*for the days i didnt want to wake up, you made my outlook on life change. an get fresh b4 i walked to class
*for the days, hours, minutes and seconds that go by, an you make sure im okay, you make me know that there are people that need to be more like you.

i appriciate everything you do for me. you are an amazing friend, an like i said before if i could clone you, ohhh the damage that we'd do.

*THE WORLD AROUND ME*

.something has caused everyone around me to change.
.no longer to tell me the truth, share their secrets, their fears or even their joys.
.i am no longer able to possess the ability and qualities of my personality, i use to have.
.every time i turn around there is a door slammed in my face. a phone line disconnected and a heart left broken.

at times i worry that the world around me has changed
i feel lke the whole world is movin in full speed,
an im, stuck, in neutral.

when i turn to my left,
when i turn to my right
when i turn around
i notice that i am the only one there

when i look in the mirror
when i stand on the train,
sittin in a traffic light
gettin a ticket,
i am alone

not one to call it suffering
not one to call it pain,
i noticed the whole world around me has changed.
maybe because i changed an i shut the world out.

. ive blamed the world for my mistakes.
. ive blamed my dad for my inability to find a descent guy to love.
. ive blamed my mom for lettin me get what i want.
. ive blamed my brother for walkin out on me.

ive blamed everyone for the change in me.
ive caused everyone around me to change.
not realizing that i am the one, that has caused the world around me change.
change is something i am not fond of. change is something i do not accept.
but change is something i need to do, before i loose everyone i love.

.[the chain i rock on my jeans is for my 19 year old cuzin thats locked up].
keep ya head up, you know ya fam loves you!

recovery of a broken heart

soo this weekend was a little confusing for me. i didnt do much of anythng an i hardly had a great time, i played pool in white plains, but i left my good friend Fresh home. long story but because she wasnt there to laugh at my jokes or make me feel better, i guess you can say it wasnt the best day of my life. So on with the blog. a few days later i get home, chillin on the couch, or as my dear friend simba would say lampin! all week im blasting the usher cd confessions in my truck, yes ya girl rolls deep, but im think this situation is the craziest situations ive ever heard of. but then come to find out the shit is a pefect fit to my life right now. so lets say im chilli, my hubby is usher an he def had relations (as ex pres mr. clinton would say) with some next chick an she gave birth to a healthy baby boy on sat. an the best news. he might be the baby's father. hummm whats a girl to do, our 4 year anniversary is in a month an this is a situation that'll make any chick up an bounce. so whats a girl to do?

niggaz are unbelievable

my heart just broke into a thousand and one pieces, and I'm begining to notice that its not hurting me anymore. Is that because im immune to being hurt? Does it mean that I'm puttin up with unwanted bullshit that i dont need in my life? Does this mean that the one that loves me, is the one that hurts me the most? I don't know anymore, I just wish I knew what was in store for me. Shorties are Ruthless now a days, and they going after everything! even my man! aint that some shit? everytime i feel like we making progress it seems like we getting kicked back 4 more places.

"My Ramone" a.k.a *Hollywood Reed*

DEDICATED

i guess you can say im new to this 'blog thing' but at the same time im not. I've always written something about how i feel or jus my thoughts, I can say its the first time that I've made them public. But on the real i must give it up to my best homie til death named ramone. honestly ladies and gents, this cat is the best. always around when i need to talk, always ready to snap me back to reality. more or less i can say he's been there for me more than i have been there for him. in actuality you can say this is my way to repay him for all the bullshit hes put up with. (good thing we aint datin cuz i wouldda lost a great friend along time ago). to continue on my homie ramone, i must enligten you on some of the advice he's given me.

**i wanted to move to cali to start fresh, to start new, to find my true purpose in life. an my dear ramone made it clear to me that i was running away from something, an moving to cali would be a great move in 3 years. at first i was pissed that my dear friend didnt support my ideas off bat an he was jus sayin that to make me stay, but while i was thinkin about what he said a few days later i did confess that i was running. Damnn having to admit youre wrong isnt the easiest thing in the world. but i thought long and it hit me, i was running from my future that was pre-planned for me, with my voice being tunned out from what i really wanted my heart an mind to say. i am my own person an i rather pave the way for myself an my kids that walk down a path that was pre-paved for me. but damn the thought of livin in cali is still what i want to do. but i guess i can wait, an plus i would miss talkin to hollywood reed everyday.**

-i'll keep you posted on my progress with summer, school, my thoughts, my book, an my love life *pshh love life*