my BAPY BUDDY/SIMBA

[my simba]...so he might kill me for this one [but i had to show him love]

..this is my simba, my bape buddy..the only person in the world that doesnt know how i feel about him. but thats not the point. everyone needs a friend like him. This is the type of guy you need for when you need someone to listen to your horrible days, the F you got in algebra class because all you did was cut class an sit in the cafe. the one you need to talk to on rainy days and the one you take to the movies to have a great time, an he wont expect anything in return. only a hug an a safe drive home. THIS is the person you turn to when you need advice, on well, basically anything. although i jus met him this year, i dont rememeber how, but im glad i did meet him. no matter my mood, he's always there to listen. so heres to my simba/clone/bapebuddy

*the nights i couldnt sleep, you talked to me til i drifted into my own world.
*for the nights that i needed someone to make me smile, you made me smile from my heart.
*for the nights that i bitched on how someone did me wrong, you listened. an made me know that they lost something great.
*for the days i skipped class an failed test, you where there to make me laugh, an made me go back to the library to study
*for the days i didnt want to wake up, you made my outlook on life change. an get fresh b4 i walked to class
*for the days, hours, minutes and seconds that go by, an you make sure im okay, you make me know that there are people that need to be more like you.

i appriciate everything you do for me. you are an amazing friend, an like i said before if i could clone you, ohhh the damage that we'd do.

*THE WORLD AROUND ME*

.something has caused everyone around me to change.
.no longer to tell me the truth, share their secrets, their fears or even their joys.
.i am no longer able to possess the ability and qualities of my personality, i use to have.
.every time i turn around there is a door slammed in my face. a phone line disconnected and a heart left broken.

at times i worry that the world around me has changed
i feel lke the whole world is movin in full speed,
an im, stuck, in neutral.

when i turn to my left,
when i turn to my right
when i turn around
i notice that i am the only one there

when i look in the mirror
when i stand on the train,
sittin in a traffic light
gettin a ticket,
i am alone

not one to call it suffering
not one to call it pain,
i noticed the whole world around me has changed.
maybe because i changed an i shut the world out.

. ive blamed the world for my mistakes.
. ive blamed my dad for my inability to find a descent guy to love.
. ive blamed my mom for lettin me get what i want.
. ive blamed my brother for walkin out on me.

ive blamed everyone for the change in me.
ive caused everyone around me to change.
not realizing that i am the one, that has caused the world around me change.
change is something i am not fond of. change is something i do not accept.
but change is something i need to do, before i loose everyone i love.

.[the chain i rock on my jeans is for my 19 year old cuzin thats locked up].
keep ya head up, you know ya fam loves you!

recovery of a broken heart

soo this weekend was a little confusing for me. i didnt do much of anythng an i hardly had a great time, i played pool in white plains, but i left my good friend Fresh home. long story but because she wasnt there to laugh at my jokes or make me feel better, i guess you can say it wasnt the best day of my life. So on with the blog. a few days later i get home, chillin on the couch, or as my dear friend simba would say lampin! all week im blasting the usher cd confessions in my truck, yes ya girl rolls deep, but im think this situation is the craziest situations ive ever heard of. but then come to find out the shit is a pefect fit to my life right now. so lets say im chilli, my hubby is usher an he def had relations (as ex pres mr. clinton would say) with some next chick an she gave birth to a healthy baby boy on sat. an the best news. he might be the baby's father. hummm whats a girl to do, our 4 year anniversary is in a month an this is a situation that'll make any chick up an bounce. so whats a girl to do?

niggaz are unbelievable

my heart just broke into a thousand and one pieces, and I'm begining to notice that its not hurting me anymore. Is that because im immune to being hurt? Does it mean that I'm puttin up with unwanted bullshit that i dont need in my life? Does this mean that the one that loves me, is the one that hurts me the most? I don't know anymore, I just wish I knew what was in store for me. Shorties are Ruthless now a days, and they going after everything! even my man! aint that some shit? everytime i feel like we making progress it seems like we getting kicked back 4 more places.

"My Ramone" a.k.a *Hollywood Reed*

DEDICATED

i guess you can say im new to this 'blog thing' but at the same time im not. I've always written something about how i feel or jus my thoughts, I can say its the first time that I've made them public. But on the real i must give it up to my best homie til death named ramone. honestly ladies and gents, this cat is the best. always around when i need to talk, always ready to snap me back to reality. more or less i can say he's been there for me more than i have been there for him. in actuality you can say this is my way to repay him for all the bullshit hes put up with. (good thing we aint datin cuz i wouldda lost a great friend along time ago). to continue on my homie ramone, i must enligten you on some of the advice he's given me.

**i wanted to move to cali to start fresh, to start new, to find my true purpose in life. an my dear ramone made it clear to me that i was running away from something, an moving to cali would be a great move in 3 years. at first i was pissed that my dear friend didnt support my ideas off bat an he was jus sayin that to make me stay, but while i was thinkin about what he said a few days later i did confess that i was running. Damnn having to admit youre wrong isnt the easiest thing in the world. but i thought long and it hit me, i was running from my future that was pre-planned for me, with my voice being tunned out from what i really wanted my heart an mind to say. i am my own person an i rather pave the way for myself an my kids that walk down a path that was pre-paved for me. but damn the thought of livin in cali is still what i want to do. but i guess i can wait, an plus i would miss talkin to hollywood reed everyday.**

-i'll keep you posted on my progress with summer, school, my thoughts, my book, an my love life *pshh love life*