blahhhh =/

soo this weekend is thanksgiving and i must say im not really excited as i used to be....not really looking forward to it, but i am for damn sure looking forward to all the damn food and all of the liquor i will be consuming! but most importantly im looking forward to a break from the school work. who thought jr. year would be the hardest one yet? but anyhoo my roommate and i went to the rutgers game over the weekend, and i might add rutgers....tisk tisk tisk...:head shake: you guys get it in. lol. but here are some flicks that i caught...






well yeah i was more focused on the game than actually taking pictures but you get the point. but anyway i've written some new pieces but i just dont feel like postin them now. i'll be back to do so...(shout out to ramoneee a homie from way back)

real quick

its 2:10am and my apple is going to die in a few moments. i came on the blog to prove that old love never dies. i was in a 4 year relationship that well never made it to the 5 year anniversary that was actually supposed to be last month around the 20something... but that doesn't matter. my 4 year relationship was amazing unfortunately at the time i was young minded and i didnt understand the magnitude of our relationship nor the bond that we shared. im currently single dabbling in a dude here and a dude there *frankly my dear no sexual activity but straight friendship status* but anyway, no matter what i do i cant take my mind off of my first love. our conversations use to be real quick, always ended in an arguement on why we broke up *and to be honest lord knows why we broke up* all i know is that my lying took over me, but i could never figure out which lie was the one that solidified the fact that i needed to be single and work on my lying...and change it to being honest. i think the lies weren't to cover up anything..i just figured i rather say it to your face than over the phone or in a text. so i guess that was my fault but anyway the point is that my ex told me he was in another relationship and he couldn't get serious with her because i was holding him back, because i was the one for him. its hard to handle the fact that im single and my ex has moved on, even if he doesn't consider it moving on...i do. apart of me, a huge part wishes that we could get back together work it out and move on with our lives like we planned, and the other part of me is saying move on live life breathe. but in due time we will see what god has in store for us. i just think people should be in the relationship for the long haul. be honest, be true to yourself, give yourself without loosing yourself. and Brooklyn *i wont shout out the government* no matter what i will always love you, i will always be here for you,
my away message for you

so torn..
so empty without you...
when it comes down to it
you are my everything
you will always be
even if you are with
someone else

Jr. Year

Good morning! I know i should be finishing my shakespeare paper about betrayal, manipulation and the power of words, but at the present moment i can't think. I haven't written a blog in so long i damn near forgot my password, but be it as it may, im in my jr. year of college, and this shit isn't getting any better to be honest with you. Same ol' bullshit, same ol' drama with some stupid bitch or nigga that cant keep they mouth shut. We've all experienced situations with stupid people and people who are just driven on the fact knowing that they've dicked someone over, even if it was they own moma. It just baffles me on how people could purposely cause someone to go mad and then act like they had nothing to do with it...unbelievable. at the moment im listening to some old school shit, (when niggas actually meant what they said) "the rest of our lives" by jagged edge of they first album a jagged era. but besides that, i must get back to my paper. its due in an hour and twenty mintues. ViN[T]AGE T

mushy shit...

its crazy everyone thinks im in love...but i am...im in love with myself...corny right? so what? ahahah but there is someone that caught my eyes and no im not telling or spilling any names. but since i got aol (mad years ago), people been hooked on my away messages...lol...no seriously they have. from aol to both my sidekicks haha..i must admitt my shits are pretty impressive..so im bored home from work and its pouring rain. so i've combined some of my away messages

...some of the words and colors arent the same....

im hopeless.
i've fallen for a
king in queens =P
[sike]

randomness is apart of life..
cant let emotions cloud the truth.
i love you, but i dont need you.
=D hehe

&& i know you're hesitant
to open your heart again.
but im willing to open mine
after its been broken
so many times.
i know how to console your
SOUL..
ViN[t]AGE


[guess we all subconsciously desire the unknown...]

day dreaming & remembering how i use too love your smile, but to bad i hate everything else about you.... =)


so japan is how far? lmfao ohh lacoste..what have you done to me?

.twid.di.ling. my fingers
trying to re-write my
game plan. my blue
print is sooo fucked
up the shit turned
PURPLE?

i keep forgettin we're not in LOVE anymore. i keep forgetting things will never be the same..-->Michael McDonald<--now thats vintage!!!

a summer love is beautiful, but its just not enough, a winter love is cozy, but i need much more, it intensifies that i want a love that endures. no matter the season i will always love you. i only think of you in two occasions, thats day and night, i'd go for broke if i could be with you. only you could make it right..
--->The Deele<---get ya vintage records out bitches!!!

damn this shit is just bottled up

damn guess when you neglect something for so long it automatically makes you either insane or it comes out one way or another, constantly thinking of something new, something fresh. like trying to put a name to a different kind of feeling an new meaning to another emotion that you contanstantly feel but never addressed. finding it instantaneously effortless to push under the rug, like hiding a secret you never plan to tell, not even a soul. your imaginary friend couldn't even handle the truth....you figure you hate being alone....wait im tripping im supposed to be posting what i just wrote...


wondering why you cant see how i feel
i wish emotions didn't need a manuel.
didnt have blinders stuck on one track..
minded...
love is like sign language, every feeling
means something else. confusing to you
confusing for me. not sure why i cant tell you i love,
not sure why i cant tell you how much you mean to me.
every night you listen to my fears
laughing at my corny jokes,
making sure that the pain that the other dudes caused is gone.
the emotionless night has brought a smile on my face.
never looked at me and only saw a chest,
wishing that i could undress
my mind and let you into my world,
my intellectual realm that doesn't invite intruders,
for those who don't respect the heart,
my heart as a person,
a person feeling everything, every emotion,
with every beat every passion
seeing life threw my painful eyes,
comforting me with your vernacular,
i live vicariously through you,
wishing i had the courage to trust the way you do,
love the way you do, and feel the way you do
one day i will be able to tell you i love you
but until that moment, i will continue
to wish that i could be there for you
as you are there for me.
to comfort me, to hold me to love me
for everything that you see, for everything
that is me.
respect my mind, respect my heart
treating my love like baby teeth growing in
slipping rum on my gums to ease the pain.
numbing my fingers to the touch. taking away
the rush, the rush that i feel when i come across
your name, engraved in my heart, forever
never shall we part, because you are the good
in my heart, the part that pushes me,
pushes me to love, learn, go out and smile
experience life again. and for a fact i know
that no matter which way the wind blows
you will always be in my soul.
ViNTAGE T

well yeah...i don't know myself.

friends, there when you need 'em

well im talkin to a friend telling em about my drama, blah blah blah, and of course i have the urge to write something else. so here it is.

when your heart gets use to being broken,
and your ears get use to the lies
what can you do to change the fact that
happiness will never be around the corner
you turn. never to be waiting at your front steps
like a package in the mail
denied by all things that are good,
the things worth living and fighting for.
when your mind gets use to the games your broken heart plays.
making you look worthless
uncapable of loving, living and laughing.
when its stripped from you. what can you do,
where can you turn, who can you trust
for experience has taught you to trust no one, let your guard
down to no one. keep your head held and ignore everyone.
some say your snobbish, but you don't have time to care,
thinking of the next one who dares
dares to test your trust, dares to test your promise to yourself.
wondering if its the moment you can be yourself, let loose
like a turtle out of its shell, when can you say its over, the
wall around your heart can come down. and when you open
your heart like a unhealed flesh wound, throwing salt on your soul drying it
up like a dehydrated soul. a seed without sunlight or water.
you realize that once again you were wrong, fueled by a fantasy
a desire of what you really want. wishing that the anger and
tension built inside could make you change.
ignite the untouched wick that will burn and send off
scents that will attract something else. something unknown.
vintage T


and of course i cant finish. feeling like i fell of track a little bit at the end but oh well

another one.

throwback picture to when i was still in hs. (sophmore year to be exact lol)

feeling like i need to get back to my old self. but here's what i wrote.

depression is an issue i never faced
like the monsters under my bed
pretending that everything is okay
sleeping with the lights on
sitting in the corner in the dark
the lights underneath the door
made it hard for me to drift to sleep
stuck in the room, my fears got the best
of me, bottled up my emotions
i wouldn't let you see
the corner of the room got smaller and darker by the
second. facing my fears was like admitting
that i had a problem. and in my eyes i'm never wrong
never had a problem, let a lone i found the answer
to it, in the bottom of the bottle.
happy off that hypo, drunk of the cisco.
you couldn't tell me i was drunk i never knew that
i could feel the funk, running in my veins like lance armstrong
running a marathon. i could never face my self in the mirror
my image was always shattered like a broken mirror giving one
bad luck for the next 7 years to come.

its 2am

So I got some crazy news the night before and well, i didn't take it so well. not as well as i thought i would or should. but to make it worse it really proves my point that no one can be trusted. but out of every bad experience comes something good. which lead me to write this piece

when your heart is broken there is no band aid big enough to sooth the pain
and provide comfort your soul.
there is no napkin that could wipe the tears from your eyes,
nor is there any words that could solve your problem
and make you feel better about being you.
it hurts to smile,
it hurts to listen.
listening to the beat of someone else's heart,
knowing that your heart will never beat as one.
it hurts most when he wont see you off when you drift to sleep,
missing the tiny hairs on ya head,
he wont push the strands be hind your ear
and kiss you gently on your forehead.
it hurts more to listen to the comforting words,
knowing that they aren't meant to ease your pain.
the butterflies in your stomach isn't because of the queezy feeling you get when he
kisses you,
romancing and undressing you with his eyes.
its not because he whisper's sweet nothings to you,
making your spine shiver and your legs quiver to the tone of his voice
and the soft kisses to his touch.
there is no scale big enough to measure the pain he has caused.
there is no clock to tell the time you have spent wishing you were back in his arms.
there is no calculator to sum up the amount of love you have given,
subtracted by the lies, added on by the pain of the past,
divided but the memories and taking the
square root of the emotions you have poured out to him on the phone.

and its not finished but hey..guess i'll finish it one day

raw and uncut

this is unedited sooo dont get mad, its still raw!

not only feeling alone, my heart is empty like a carton of milk that was just thrown away. molded, and fueled by lies and love, i turned my back on what i grew to love and understand. living isn't about what's in what's out. lead by distractions and a crowd of people drapped with blind folds on their eyes and their hearts, mutilating everything they belived in, they trade in their faith for fly kicks, their morals for the name brand jeans and their personalities they sell their souls for whats in. the gossip the fairy tales, the story unfolds. spending money on things they cant even pronounce, staying around people that are faker than implants, they use the seeds from what they see on t.v and plant them in their brains, growing roots from their asses, and loosing respect for those who helped water their dirt help them gain sun shine showed them how to deal with hurt. to be a support system, steps on a ladder to get them where they need to be, a dream that will not be deflated, it will not be a dream deferred...too be finished....later ?

a regular night

just a regular night, ruled by boredem and mayhem. weird combo i must admitt. But anyway im having some problems trying to find meaning to college. i guess its cool, i get the "hey you're doing your thing..."but i doesnt feel like im doing much...but it was Easter and i decided to hit grandma's house for some good home cooked meals. (cafeteria food is the worst) but i digress. she told me that my grandfather is leaving me his collection of records. now to you, it may not mean shit, but to me....its a huge deal. i mean orginal vynal from when records were created..from jazz, to blues, to r&b....i must say my grandpops has the most extensive collection i've ever seen. its soo deep that i could open a record store. which leads to my new tattoo. a heart with a music symbol. symbolizing my love and passin for music. when i get my own place i have set aside one main room for my records and my turn tables, and thats going to be my hide out spot. so my grandmoms peeped that i wasnt there, in person i was, but in mind i was gone, so she put on some jazz from the 20's and i just layed on the floor and vibed til i got my groove back. guess that is what grandparents are there for. to kick you in the ass to get back on your feet.

love is a murder

you say you love me
but you constantly hurt me
shooting at my heart
the disappointment is your amo
my heart the target
dig my grave with your upsets
bury me with your lies
cover my body with your love
say a prayer for my soul
rest in peace to our memories

guys suck point blank!

just a lil fun!

just been on my keishhh shit. cant complain '07 really aint different from '05 or '06. .but whatever...hit the bar for a lil celebration...

feelings....nothing but feelings

Past couple nights i've bene stuck...just up all night, this is what i came up with

never thought i'd find my self stuck in the fork in the road, when i was younger i knew what i wanted out of life, i knew what would make me happy i knew where i wanted to be at this point. but god has arranged a different floral plan and outline for me and my future path that he thinks i shouldn't walk alone. many people have come and tried to take this heart of mine, used flashy jewls fast cars, big pockets- huge wallets and cunning smiles. nothings worked. nothings held my heart captive for longer than a few moments, over analyzing what i want is something that my mind is use to doing, its not that i don't have great friends, great family and a great talent that hasn't been ignored, its juts that my heart feels and sees something that my head doesn't agree with, take the path that is already beaten down, paved and shines with glee, or take the road that leads to uncertainty that leads to a path unknown, shall i be the one that lays the foundation to make the road known, do the unexpected love the unexpected and understand the unexpected, think, feel breathe, love life life. all unexpectedly.


...(this came right after, guess i was on a role)....

with you i found life,with you my life found meaning, it found a purpose. it found a way to love again. it found a way to mean something thats worth more than any precious gem in the world. we've worked so hard for what we have, we tried so long to make this thing we call us work, we've done the unexpected we've tested the raging waters and we've sailed the tiny ship to a land undiscovered. we've built a life off of foundation, a blueprint to a life that was shaky from when we first met. im not sure if this is what i want, but i know if ilet you go, i'd never be able to find that inspiration that you gave me, if i stay i know i wont be able to breathe because you suffocate me with your love and lies. not sure if the grass is greener on the other side, if it is, shall i go test the pigment? if i don't go i'd regret not trying something new. i use to be adventerous, use to be the epitome of what every daughter should be. but im not sure what i want.